It’s finally here. The Steve’s Word Store. Now all of your friends can ask you, “what the hell is Steve’s Word?” as you proudly display our logo on your t-shirts, grocery bags, hat, and coffee mug. We’ll also have special seasonal items, such as our Barrack and Michelle “Pounds for Peace” t-shirt which you’ll see below.

In order to help promote our little venture we headed to the beach and did a little fashion shoot. Check out all our hot, sexy & silly pix taken by photographer Jessica Sain.

http://www.cafepress.com/steveswordstore

(please excuse the bizarre formatting. we are limited by our intelligence.)

(Editor’s Note: This piece has been edited down from a longer version. The original piece was over twelve pages long. The following contains the most coherent excerpts.)

Well, here I am again. It’s three am on a weeknight and I am starring at my computer screen trying not to keep it together enough to type this piece. It’s pretty difficult because I’ve gotten astronomically high… off of MARIJUANA for those of you who need it spelled out for you. I went to a friend’s party and inhaled marijuana smoke from a water pipe until I couldn’t even finish a complete sentence. Now I’m trying desperately to reverse gears and get back to the land of the normal person. I think anyone who’s been too stoned to think can understand where I’m coming from.

Editors Note: This is a real and actual letter that Jeff wrote out of anger to the Health Valley corporation. We all found it so hilarious that we thought it would be a great way to begin “The Week of Jeff”. Enjoy.

Dear Health Valley,

I have one question for you. Do you feel guilty when you label a box you’ve filled with mostly rice-crispies with a few measly bits of oats, “granola?” Well, I for one feel pretty damned duped by your marketing ploy.

It’s been a week, but I still might not be able to talk coherently about it. Every once in a while, something comes along and you just can’t wrap your head around it in the way that you want to, you simply can’t come up with a pithy, overly-smart, no one’s written this yet sort of explanation. Instead, there’s only the absolute truth, which is pretty disturbing for a multitude of reasons. But, sometimes it can’t be ignored.

Editor’s note: As a response to Tuesday’s column, we tapped Matt’s next door neighbor brilliant playwright Matthew Lopez to give you a different perspective. You see, every coin has two sides and while we were all struggling with the notion of getting nice with another dude, well, Matthew had quite a different struggle. As a proud gay man, he had to consider which ladies out there would turn him away from the world of toned biceps and broad shoulders and consider who he might go straight for…

Yes, it’s true. No one can be hetero all the time, not even the manly men of Steve’s Word. After Tim wandered in one day in such a daze he was walking into walls and talking about going down on someone, we knew something was up. It turned out that he had done a doubleheader of Lars and the Real Girl and Fracture and was never gonna be the same. That day we learned who Tim would go gay for, and everyone realized that we each had a lot of thinking to do. Who would we each go gay for, and why? Here’s what we came up with.

It’s Father’s Day, it’s Father’s Day, let’s all pretend we care!
We’ll buy a tie to celebrate that you were never there!
The absent one who paid the bills, today’s your day to shine.
In spite of all my shoulder chips, I seem to be just fine.

This past weekend I, along with some friends that included Steve’s Word own Ryan Kennedy and roughly 79,000 strangers, travelled out to Giants’ Stadium to witness the US Men’s Soccer team take on the #1 World Ranked Argentina Men’s Soccer team. Before you dismiss this article as either a drab piece of sports journalism, or even worse, a blog, allow me to quickly put the significance of the game itself into perspective before I deliver the cultural insight that you not only rely on from Steve’s Word, but crave like a lion craves a young water buffalo. It was a friendly (exhibition) so the game seemingly held little consequence. However, this would be the last game for both teams before World Cup Qualification begins so both teams would be testing their readiness. Moreover, these men are all professionals and were playing for national pride. The physical intensity of the game and the 79,000 screaming fans were a testament to that. If you truly want the hard facts of the game, read this. Other than offering the most exciting and thrilling 0-0 draw I’ve ever witnessed, this game provided me with unexpected challenges and eye-opening experiences that only an international soccer game can deliver. Sorry, dudes, seeing plenty of hot, over-primped Argentinean woman was something I did expect so I’ll have to omit it from this piece. If you’re an observant person, going to an international soccer game will quickly challenge your previously held beliefs of national identity. How? Let me put it this way, the ingredients of beer, sports, bigotry, confusing genetic make-up, and national pride combine for a recipe that offers a swift kick to your American nuts. National Identity is a social construct, but once solidified it is hard to see it as something other than fact. “I’m American and I’m proud even though the fact that I’m America is a total random event and if I were born in any other country I’d be proud of that place too.” Going to an international soccer game makes you think about this sort of existential crap.

Hello everyone, I’m so glad to be here. Actually, I’ve been here for a while but not in the full capacity that I am now. You see, I used to be the intern over here at Steve’s Word but I was recently promoted. It was a tough road, but I made it through. Congrats to me.

As my mentors around here tell me constantly (when they reject my columns): “write what you know.” So, as my first official assignment as a full-fledged member of the staff (my Week in Review didn’t count since it prompted my promotion), I’m gonna do just that, and present to you the six very most important things I learned in my time as the Steve’s Word intern. Hopefully this will also serve as a classified for finding a new intern, ’cause I’m supposed to be doing that too.

As if the release of Sex and the City: the Movie wasn’t enough to get your juices flowing and or get your need for a lobotomy kicked into high gear, CBS ushered in a new frontier of American sport on Saturday night. That’s right, while I was giving my time to sit in a crowded room full of chatty ladies, CBS aired a collection of MMA fights, which pretty much can’t get more opposite from SATC. What a wild weekend it was.

Since you probably have more sense than to either sacrifice your hard-earned Saturday night or a large portion of your DVR’s memory with this dreck, I’ll sum it up for you. CBS screwed the pooch in every way in their attempt to make MMA, Mixed Martial Arts, the hot new thing on the American sports scene, although there’s clearly no way that could ever happen. But, as usual, I’m getting ahead of myself.