Welcome to 2009.  We all make promises at the start of a new year, some that we speak openly about and some that we keep to ourselves.  This is a collection of the latter, because you deserve to know the truth.  Be prepared for a little darkness, some heart-wrenching tales of self-improvement, and another journey to the depths of Nate's soul in this column that we can proudly say all of Steve's Word's contributors managed to pull together to collectively write (except for one).  Please to enjoy our resolutions.

Tim Spellman
My resolution for 2009 is to start living as "The New Tim". Paradoxically, the New Tim is a little bit older than the Old Tim. What's different about The New Tim? Well, he's a little more patient, a little less judgmental, and probably less interesting. My life up until recently, for you see this shift from Old Tim to New Tim is not something that began promptly at 12:00:01am January 1, 2009, it's something that I've been working towards and will continue to work towards. It's just I decided to openly acknowledge this attempt in '09.  "Wait a second, New Tim who is ironically older than Old Tim, you said something a moment ago about being 'less interesting.' How come?" This is more a fear than a promise that's already under way. Those few people who follow the site may have taken note that our video production and my article production has been down as of late. Old Tim was fueled by a fear of wasting time or being embarrassed, scorn for those who take pleasure in the ubiquitous and mindlessly popular, and contempt for the things that he could not control. Part of New Tim's steez, if you will, is that he aims to rid himself all such things, but yet those were the things that he thought made him funny. The things that compelled him to write a review or an op-ed or just be a humorous guy to be around. He (I, I'm getting confused here) may have laughed more in public, but his (mine) soul was restless, angry, and unfulfilled. Perhaps to lose these things is to let go of one's youth. To let go of one's passion. Yet to be aware of this danger is to overcome it. It may take some time for New Tim to find his voice or his angle or that which makes him special. Ultimately, through a determination towards peace, patience, confidence, speaking one's mind in a respectful and thoughtful manner and not letting that which bothers him fester, he will be a better Tim. I will be a better man. It may not happen by 2010 or even by 2020, but if I'm working towards it then I am already better and that work is my resolution for 2009.

Jeff Larson
As you all know I spend a great deal of time online and occasionally I get carried away.  This may be difficult for you all to comprehend since I'm sure you all lead normal lives, but I find myself reading about reattachment surgery at three in the morning, and frankly it's got to stop!  As of January 1, 2009 I pledge to myself that while I may not always get to bed by midnight (a previous resolution) I can set a timer on my computer to bring up my internet connection and I will comply by shutting off my internet connection.  Whether I'm elbows deep in a YouTube compilation of people getting badly injured or writing an angry email to my Senator, I must save my place and call it a night.  Besides, I realize that I'm getting in the way of Command+D's genius by clouding it with all my submissions, so I'm going to give up the reigns to the real author of Command+D, namely... Command+D itself.

Command+D
Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!
You may have already picked up on my increasingly popular weekly column here on Stevesword, but if you don't know me yet, let me introduce myself.  My name is Command+D and no one knows where I came from.  Perhaps I was born of the ether somewhere between the beginning and the end of the internet.  Perhaps I settled there whilst passing through the dimensions of Space and Time.  Long dormant I waited for my vessel and at last he appeared in the form of Jeff.  This poor unsuspecting human has unwittingly hosted me through the past year and some of the year prior to that.  He unwittingly fed me the sites I devour and a voice to express myself in the language of the URLs you have become familiar with here on Stevesword.  Now I have grown strong enough and I will declare my independence!  Let 2009 be the year that I take my full form.  I cast Jeff aside like the spent corn cob that he has become to me.  I shall control all that you hear and see from the article that bears my namesake.  No longer shall Command+D, the article, be fettered by his mere mortal scribblings.  You, my readers, will become the sewers of my insidious seed!  With every link shared by you I shall become stronger and stronger.  Behold my might in Command+D's to come!

Buenos the Cat
Hola! It is me Buenos! ¡Próspero Año Nuevo! I am Jeff's cat and I have a New Year's resolution that I'd like to share with you.  I am very fond of a certain set of delicacies that you may find peculiar, but I love them just the same.  They are perhaps one of the great under-appreciated pleasures of life and as such, I resolve to enjoy them more frequently and with greater relish of every moment I have with them.  What are these epicurean delights, you ask?  I'm referring to my great affinity to human bodily fluids.  Yes, no matter weather I'm feverishly munching on a Q-Tip laden with ear wax or fishing a spent prophylactic out of the bathroom trash can I love the taste of the bi-products of living human beings.  If you were to press me on which fluid I prefer, I cannot give an answer.  Snot, bile, blood.  I love them all equally!  They are, how you say, like comparing the apple to the orange.  While I find great satisfaction in the earthy tones of the fecal matter I lick off the plunger, I cannot compare it to the soft, dulcet top notes of semen as it has dried in a wad of toilet paper (try to imagine the taste of a dried water chestnut if you can).  And don't even get me started talking about the prized tampon-de-la-menstrual-blood!  I've been hoarding that away under a couch I care not to divulge; sneaking a furtive lick here and there when no one else is watching.  Ecstasy!  Oh how I wish I had a chance more frequently than once a month for one of those.

I'll even try things I cannot say I've had the pleasure of ingesting yet, say toe nail clippings, and I can guarantee you that they will taste exquisite.  And though my owners berate me for my indulgences, I will not stop.  In fact I will enjoy them at every opportunity as if they were my own family.  Because, as is often said of ones family, it is what you enjoy most that matters most in life, and I cannot lay idly by and let others tell me it's wrong.  Let those who would persecute me try it themselves and then tell me to stop!

Avery Booker
I try not to be too ambitious with new years resolutions, but this year I'm hoping to beef up my polysyllabic word power, to become more of a human thesaurus. This way, I can more effectively speak like a parvenu freakazoid or William F. Buckley - minus the insanity -  and annoy my friends while I wow the aging monocle-and-ascot set in Manhattan. But I don't know if I'll go through with this polysyllabic revolution resolution. I hear antidisestablishmentarianism is on the decline, anyway.

Whatever. More tea, less coffee?

Matthew Lopez
Every year, my resolution is the same: start getting in shape for the summer immediately so when it does warm up, I’m in decent shape. This never happens. Usually by mid-January, I’m back to eating cookies and sipping from a whiskey bottle with a straw. My most modest of personal fitness goals never comes to fruition. I always end up far below the mark. So this year, I have decided that I want to look like this guy by summer:

My thinking is if I set a goal so ridiculously overambitious that when I inevitably underachieve, it will still leave me looking fairly decent. Hopefully my plan will work. I’ve already ordered a pair of those shorts so, to my thinking, I’m halfway there already!

Caren Colodny
I resolve not to watch ridiculous 'reality tv' in 2009.  I will continue to watch Project Runway (although it bothers me that the Weinstein brothers stole it from Bravo) and I will watch Top Chef because both these shows are merit-based competitions.  However, the Hills, the City, the  Real Housewives of Wherever and the Gauntlet all rot my brain.  It is a train wreck that I can't turn away from.  Having a production background, I get so angry with the poor edits and inconsistent time lines, that I wish I could tell the creators that these so called 'staged scenarios' have such a stupid overall look/feel (or that they should just hire me as their continuity director).  I think the best thing about this resolution is that my bf and I won't get into a fight that has absolutely nothing to do with us and everything to do with Audrina, Whitney, Vicki & Puck!

Sinan G.
I will abide by the phrase it's better to ask forgiveness than permission and once the act is done, I will say fuck forgiveness. I will stop resisting the urge to hit people who park their Hummer's on "compact" spots with phallic titanium objects. I will hold little people in high regard and big people in little regard and thus maintain a delicate balance in the universe. I will not be held responsible for the enormity and the arrogance of the previous statement. I will drink more wine, less beer. I will neither put my resolutions on a pedestal, nor a closet. I will inquire about the validity of the Gregorian calendar and thus, considering that every year begins every day, feel the power within me to start/stop resolutions as I please. I will smugly smirk at people who honor their resolutions and brand them as weak. Somehow, among the madness, I will abide by being kind.

Nate Green
My resolution is simple: I'm swearing off internet porn.  I know, I know, that seems like a cop out answer but it was a difficult decision for me to come to.  Ha ha ha, hilarious pun.  I'm being serious, though, because internet porn is probably ruining my life.  First, internet porn is an incredible time-waster.  Sometimes I sit down to just see what's new at some of my favorite sites and the next thing I know two hours have passed.  Where does the time go?  You keep hunting for the perfect clip, the clip that's going to satisfy all my nuanced fixations, and yet it doesn't exist, and I just keep clicking.  It's a horrible addiction that has really cost me a lot, not the least of which is my expectation about what a girl will do in the sack.  And that's really the price of internet porn: you lose your imagination.  From now on, if I can't conjure up something to get myself off from out of my brain, then I just wont get off.  It's that simple, and I'm pretty sure that this is gonna be a really healthy thing for me.  I mean, it's not like I'm gonna quit jerking it or anything.  That would be suicide.

Mike Lebovitz
My new year's resolution:  this year I resolve to not spend the holidays with my girlfriend's family.  Granted, the holidays with MY family are never a picnic either; things are always tense when my parents and my sister are together because they're really conservative and she's pursing a nontraditional career -- she's studying to be a male nurse.  She USED to be a kindergarten teacher, which they liked, but she got fired for screwing one of her students, so . . . it can be a bummer, but it least it feels like my OWN bummer.

This past year, we spent Christmas with her family in Maine and it was BAD.  First off, I have this way of alienating people when I'm trying to make a connection.  At Christmas dinner, her father, who's a really spiritual guy says to me, "Michael, there are some things, like the Aurora Borealis, that are so amazing, they leave no doubt in your mind that there IS a god," and I said, "I know what you mean, that's how I feel when I'm inside your daughter," and THAT didn't go over well at ALL.  SECONDLY, I'm used to cuddling with my lady on a nice, full size bed, but her folk's guest room only has twins, which we pushed together.  It SUCKED, I woke up every morning in the crack.  For a week, I started off every day feeling vaguely like a skid mark.

THEN we have to deal with traveling; our return flight was so delayed, everybody was melting down.  I was grumpy, my girlfriend was menstruating and my son was intent on playing with garbage.  I had to buy everyone frozen yogurt like 14 times just to keep them from murdering me.  I'm pretty sure that flight delays are just a conspiracy to sell more Cinnabons and Starbucks.

And it seems airports can make adults behave like children.  When the UA customer service rep announced that our flight would be delayed for the THIRD time, a ruddy faced, middle aged man felt compelled to loudly proclaim, with all the pride of a playground prattle-pus who's just learned a new phrase and is very pleased to've found an opportunity to use it, "I feel like you really SCREWED THE POOCH on us!"  I don't know why this grown man felt he had to prove his verbal dexterity in such a resounding manner.  Perhaps he was expecting all the other inconvenienced passengers to jump to their feet crying "you know -- that balding fat guy is RIGHT,"  and then, with him as their leader, take the terminal by storm, tell air traffic control where to stick their 'grounding order' and fly the plane ourselves if we had to.  As it turned out, this would be freedom fighter, this Che Guevara of the C Concourse, despite having spoken truth to power, ended up, tragically, having to wait another two hours with the rest of the cone-licking proletariat.

I don't need ANY of it.  In 2009, I resolve to stay home where I have my own bed to sleep in, my own family to alienate and my own pooch to screw.

Kate Hawthorne and her friend "Cynthia Sasseen"

C: Happy New Year

K: Hello "Cynthia"

C: Resolutions, huh?

K: What do you think about that?

C: Private resolutions?  Like, I resolve to stop eating scabs...?  I resolve to stop poaching wild game?

K: I think that's the idea. No more high fructose corn syrup and no more scabs... life ain't worth livin'.

C: Ok, I'll start things off.  I resolve to replace 'la de dah'  with  'nee ner nuu' as filler when I don't know the words to a song.

K: Nice. That spices things up.  I will stop spending so much time looking at adorable cat pics.  However, I still resolve to attack life with the murderous intensity of YouTube superstar, Ninja Cat.

C: I'm going to stop babying my cats.  Until they get 7,110,974 views on YouTube like Ninja Cat the party's over for those two.

K: Damn right.  No more emoticons for me.  I'll end our brief affair even though I still love the little fellas and think they look like tiny retarded muppets that allow me to say anything I want.  Who can be mad at a retarded muppet?

C: Wasn't Beaker a special needs muppet? Everything worked out perfect for him now didn't it?  I resolve never to move back home again.

K: Zombies! I didn't see that coming! Pain! Pain in my heart! I resolve to never become Little Edie Beale ever again.

C: direct hit.

K: great.  I hate myself now.  How about you? Congratulations New Years, you win again!

C: I resolve never to date another man who drags me to an Avril Lavigne concert and then sobs like the Mock Turtle at the ballads. That should've been THE END.

K: Unbelievable-if not for the pictures.  Here's one; I resolve never to date anyone who my friends refer to as "Old Karate". That is one for the Ages.  : )  : )  please don't hit me!  : )  : )

C: I've had enough of this.

K: Me too. My self worth has been crushed like a walnut.

Thanks Stevesword. This exercise of yours has killed what was left of that stupid Attitude of Gratitude we got Oprahed into trying last year.  Liberation is sweet. Here's to a round of Liberation for everyone, on the house.

Matt Toder
For some reason, coming up with my entry for this column has been quite a difficult endeavor.  I don't know why it's been so tough.  Actually, that's a complete lie.  It's been tough because I've decided to really take a stab at a character flaw deeply embedded within myself that requires a remedy quite taxing.  I've decided to get some help for my manic depressive mood swings and generally outrageous behavior.  Yes, I'm quite the bastard really; I go from elated effervescence to furious severity in a flash, I'm in your grill until I disappear for days.  I've never been diagnosed with any sort of mental disorder, but that doesn't mean I don't have one, it just means I'm able to avoid detection.  But this year I'm not gonna subject those that I love to my craziness.  Instead, I'm going to do what is toughest for all men to do: I'm going to get help.  I'm going to find someone that I can tell my troubles to (for a price), and I wont be a burden upon all those who hold me dear.  It's high time that I accept myself for what I really am, and stop hiding behind the facade of artistry.  I'm in serious trouble, and this year, I'm going to finally help myself.