As the staff here at Steve's Word progresses from being a group of fun-loving, socially jilted men in their mid-twenties to fun-loving, socially jilted men in their early-late-twenties our concerns have shifted a bit. All of our friends are either married or are getting married. Thankfully, none of us are yet, but the topic is constantly in our realm of existence and it needs to be mocked. I've put together a list of the ten worst ways you can propose to your sweetheart because, if nothing else, we're here to help.
1.) Another Wedding
Seriously, dude, what are you a chick? Don't let your emotions get the best of you. Granted it looks like the couple getting married are blissfully happy, but this is one day of their lives. Everybody is happy when there is a huge party and they're the center of attention. My advice. Just throw yourself a party and have your buddies give toasts as to how bad-ass you are. You'll get all the same warm and fuzzy feelings that goes with a wedding without having to commit the rest of your existence to another human being.
2.) Rockefeller Center (or any holiday tourist trap)
I've seen this first hand. Very embarrassing. Getting down on one knee amidst a see of Midwestern hayseeds, German tourists, and Bridge and Tunnelers is simply not the best idea. As as soon as you get down on that knee, throngs of people will stop what they're doing and start "ooo-ing" and "awe-ing" and whip out their camera phones. Some women might even start crying. Is this what you want you self-absorbed exhibitionist? Trust me here, brother, you do not want thousands of tourists documenting your rejection. However, if you really are intent on doing this, at least take your baseball cap off, you jerk-off. 3.) Arby's Store #371
Sure, you both love Beef n' Cheddars and Curly Fries with all your heart and it's where you met, but there's a better way to do this. Just relax, go grab another dollop of Horsey Sauce, and think this one through.
4.) Sporting Event
Please god, do not propose to your girlfriend at halftime of a Philadelphia Eagles, Philadelphia Flyers, or Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers game. I don't care how much you and your hubby love the Iggles, it simply guarantees that you will remain White Trash and so will your children. Especially the children you have from previous marriages. You don't want Leon Jr. and Amber to witness this. Now, this doesn't mean it's OK to propose at the halftime of a sporting event in any other city or even the Super Bowl. Philly is just the worst example I could think of. Come to think of it, if you propose during a minor league professional sporting event, like, let's say, the Philadelphia Phantoms or a Wilmington Blue Rocks game, that's probably the worst you could do.
5.) Six Flags
Not too many things are less romantic than vomiting up cotton candy and funnel cake. Trust me, powdered sugar only looks good on the way down.
6.) A Cruise
Here's the thing about a cruise - you're tapped on the boat. If she says no, now you're stuck on a boat with the woman you poured your heart out to and she rejected you. Now look at your situation: you're on vacation with a woman and you're getting no sex. You might as well be on one of RosieO'Donnell's lesbian cruises. That's how little chance you have at now getting laid. Well done.
7.) In Front of Family
In front of your parents, her parents or both sets of parents. Really, any family gathering at all, a party of some sort, a large brunch, you name it. I know it seems like it would be a grand sweeping gesture to surprise her in front of everyone who loves her but I'm telling you right now, don't do it. The implications and repercussions are obvious, aren't they?
8.) New Year's Eve
Christ, man, what the hell is the matter with you?
9.) Fancy Restaurant
This is like the fanciest restaurant in the world. You read about it Bon Apetit magazine's Ten Best Restuarants in the World. She's going to love it. Plus, you've got it all worked out - the ring is hidden amongst the mounds of chocolate mousse, and the waiters know exactly which dish of dessert is yours. I know you feel like a celeb when you're planning it - telling people what to do and when to do it, but this is fraught with disaster. Do you realize you've entrusted your entire plan to a high school kid who could give a shit about this job? Or worse, a middle-aged man who has given up on life? Why would you give him this sort of responsibility when he can't even work out who ordered the shrimp cocktail and who ordered the endive salad? You don't want her to accidentally eat her ring and have her digging through her stool for the next three days. Pooping into a petrie dish is not the most pleasant experience. Moreover, you don't have a dishwasher and guess who has to clean that petrie dish by hand?
10.) Fancy Hotel Suite on the Breathtakingly Beautiful Côte d’Azur during Breakfast in Bed
Picture this - light knocking on your door wakes you and your girl from a rapturous slumber. A man in a white jacket rolls the breakfast cart into your glorious room as you pull back the shades revealing the sun rising over the water. You crack open a bottle of champagne, pour two glasses, and tell your lovely lady how much she means to you. You tell her that she makes your life complete, that you can't imagine going another day without making her your wife. You present her a beautiful diamond ring that looks vaguely like the one she's imagined would be hers since childhood and then you make love on the bed.
This sound pretty nice, doesn't it? Much better than being turned down in front of thousands of strangers, her parents, or the morning shift at Arby's. There is virtually no way that she can turn this down. It's totally in the bag. And that's just the problem with it, it's too good. You're locked in now, worse than being stuck on a cruise with her for another week, worse than having her father strike you in the kidneys for ruining brunch. Now you're stuck for life.
Come on, Eldrick.