There comes a moment in every major league baseball game when some group of nerds tries to start The Wave. You’re sitting there enjoying the game, sipping on a cold $8 commemorative cup of Bud Lite, and scarfing down some peanuts when all of the sudden some buffoons want you to stand up and throw your arms in the air repeatedly for no god damn reason whatsoever. I declare a moratorium on the wave at all sporting events. Here I will provide indisputable evidence supporting said moratorium.

The Wave, in essence, is a condemnation of individual expression and promotes groupthink. If these fucking fascists think I’m going to drop everything, stop cheering the way I want to cheer, and take part in their brain washing exercise like a blind sheep, then they’ve got another thing coming. On more than one occasion I’ve had one of these Wave Automatons say to me, “Hey, man, why don’t you join in? Support the team.” I’m here aren’t I? I paid for the ticket. I brought my glove. I applaud when my team performs well. What business is it of yours if I don’t want to get out of my seat and take part in this asinine and, truthfully, empty display of support? If you really cared about the team, you’d sit the fuck down and pay attention to what’s happening on the field.

Not only does this senseless act nefariously reinforce behavior of commonality, it’s downright dangerous. Let me count the ways. You’ve been sitting in an uncomfortable seat for going on two hours, you stand up quickly to take part in The Wave, and bam, you pull a hammy. While violently waving your hands in the air, your chances are pretty good of hitting someone in the face or in the nuts on your way back down. Most dangerous of all is something that actually happened to me. Most seats at outdoor sporting venues are spring loaded and flip up to allow people to more easily while making their way down the aisle. In the euphoric thralls of doing The Wave, this simple fact can be forgotten. Too excited to even pay attention to your surroundings, you sit down hard, but instead of gently landing in your seat, you unexpectedly and suddenly smash your tailbone into the edge of the upright seat. This shit hurts. A lot. The coccyx is a sensitive part of the body, no matter how vestigial it may be. Don’t think you’ll be able to sue the owners of the stadium either for your pain and suffering. Once you pass through the turnstile to enter the stadium, you’ve essentially given up all of your rights as an American citizen.

Lastly, The Wave is offensive. How do you think a disabled or elderly person feels when everybody gets up to do the wave? Huh? You bastard. It is also discriminatory to foreigners. They have no idea what’s going on and it makes them feel embarrassed when they can’t participate. Do we really need to alienate people of other nations more than we already have in recent years? Has anybody been watching the news lately? Ever heard of a thing called the Tsunami or Hurricane Katrina? That’s what I thought. I think these people have had it hard enough without a stadium full of morons mocking their misfortune.

So in parting, I implore you to write your congressman, get on your favorite player’s blog, and ask them to stop The Wave. Or do what I do; sit in silent protest the next time a confederacy of idiots wants to destroy your individuality, risk endangering those around you and yourself, and offend countless of innocent people.