I'd like to take this opportunity to brag about the fact that I went to the World Cup in Germany. To rub it in somebody's face that I was at the Brazil vs France game and witnessed one of the most dominating and captivating athletic displays ever in Zinedine Zidane's performance that game. I want to shout it from a mountaintop that I got to observe an endless celebration when Germany defeated Argentina in their quarterfinal match and Germans felt comfortable celebrating being Germans for the first time in six decades. However, since I'm an American living in America, nobody gives a shit. Every four years, while the rest of the world fully celebrates the Beautiful Game, Americans and our sports writers ponder two important questions: why aren't we good enough yet and why does still nobody care about soccer? I know the answer: soccer is not cool. When soccer becomes cool, more people will play it, more people will watch it, and we will be the best at it.

I don't buy the stance that Americans find the game boring. If we can watch baseball and golf, we can watch soccer. The clock never stops and there is constant action. You always know exactly how long a soccer game will be: Two forty-five minute halves plus fifteen minutes at half time. Always. And when a game goes into OT it's even more fun to watch. How can Americans enthusiastically watch professional basketball, which has 48 minutes of actual game time yet in reality takes 3 hours to play and not watch soccer? Basketball is cool and soccer isn't.

I've heard time and time again that our "best athletes" don't play soccer in this country. Let me say what everybody else is saying without trying to pretend to not say what I'm really saying. By "best athletes" these pundits mean "black people." There I said it and it's the fucking truth. If more African-Americans played soccer nobody could stop us. Why don't they play then? Because it's not cool. Soccer is a rich white boys' sport and a poor immigrant sport. Take heart. Things are changing. Enough with Landon Donovan. He's a good role player at best. Eddie Johnson and Clint Dempsey need to be the new poster boys for US Soccer and Nike is on the case. Not only is Eddie Johnson black, but he is also the best striker we have. His humble beginnings and 6-month-old daughter born out of wedlock give him the street cred US Soccer needs to attract more of our "best athletes". Clint Dempsey, while a white dude, had the best performance of any of our players in the World Cup, plays fearlessly, and is a recorded hip-hop artist. Check out Dempsey a.k.a Deuce here. Granted, it may seem a bit contrived but it's honest.

Regrettably, one of the biggest uncool hurdles to overcome in soccer is diving and feigning injury. I'm pretty sure getting Americans to like soccer isn't FIFA's biggest motivation when it comes to eradicating these antics, but something needs to be done about it. If one wants to see how soccer should be played without acting or histrionics, one needs look no further than the third place game between Germany and Portugal. With nothing at stake, both teams played loose and fast. There was not a single dive or players writhing in agony as if they were just taken out by a sniper hiding in the rafters. It was beautiful. It was like when I watched the gold medal basketball game at the last Olympics between Argentina and Italy. After being disenfranchised by the star-ruled, bratty, traveling, palming, thuggishness of the NBA for so many years, this game reminded me how enjoyable basketball can be to watch when it is played right.

Here's another way to make soccer cool: more titties. Anybody who knows anything about watching soccer watched the games on Univision. Not only is the coverage of the games better; the announcers don't talk the entire time about inane bullshit, no flashing of insignificant stats covering the action, and the highlights actually show the full development of every goal and chance on goal, but during the pre-game coverage and half time breaks there are voluptuous Latin women wearing camel toe hugging boy shorts and bikini tops. It doesn't get much better than this. Moreover, the reporters that are sent on location are hot women too. This is exactly how the NFL is covered. Why not soccer?

And for Pete's sake, stop dumbing it down. If I had never watched soccer before, I'm pretty sure I could figure out how a corner kick is awarded after seeing it two or three times. I don't need a Tommy Smythe picture-in-picture seminar on what a corner kick is to explain it to me.

Soccer can flourish in Europe and South America because they have a different definition of cool. Contrary to what the current administration believes, people across the world think differently than us. They have different ideas of what is right and wrong, different notions of courtesy, how to tip your waitress, if you should have to pay for those little packets of ketchup at McDonald's, how it's impossible to get a god damn glass of ice water in the entire country of Germany, etc. They also have different ideas about what is cool. Take for example the male Capri pant. These things are all you see men wearing in Europe. It's utterly baffling to me and I'm sure it is to you too. If you're going to wear pants, wear pants. If you're going to wear shorts, wear shorts. To men in Europe and South America fashion works the same as it does for women all over the world. Style over reason. There is no fucking reason, if you're a man, to wear Capri pants. Much like I won't ever wear Capri pants plainly because they're just so "Euro" I can understand how some Americans will never latch onto soccer simply because it's not American. It's a bit irrational, but it can makes some sense.

With that being said soccer participation needs to be encouraged and not forced down people's throats. Every four years ESPN and Sports Illustrated and other media outlets badger American sports fans about why they don't like soccer and why they should. Remember that time your mom bought you those pair of black, tapered, Jordache jeans? Nothing that your mom makes you wear will ever be cool. You need to find cool things on your own. So for those of us who are already soccer enthusiasts, let's just try and make things better for ourselves by pressuring US Soccer to reach out more to the African-American community, stop dumbing down the coverage of soccer games, and sexify the game's presentation. I love soccer because I played it most of my life and when it is played right it is art. If we work towards these things I've put forward the rest of America will follow when they realize how cool the Beautiful Game actually is.